05 October 2010

Why I want to be THOR when I grow up.

10. Mjollnir. Seriously. Thor carries around this badass hammer. Not only does it have a cool name that looks like Thor just drunkenly typed it on a keyboard one time and laughed his ass off and it stuck, but the thing can pulverize shit and LEVEL MOUNTAINS. You can TERRAFORM the planet with this thing. That and it never misses its target, and always returns right to Thor's (I mean... my...) hand. It's like part boomerang.

9. In order to carry and use his drunken typo hammer, Thor had to wear a drunken typo belt and drunken typo gloves (look, the Vikings drank a lot, okay?) that doubled his strength. We can only assume that Thor thought the name of his hammer was so funny, he had to name his fricken awesome belt and gloves some names even more ridiculous: Megingjardir and Jarngreipr. Actually I'm gonna go out on a limb and say everything in Norwegian is a typo, but the Norwegians are so awesome that if you try to tell them that, they might invade your country and stomp your balls to teach you a lesson in linguistic respect.

8. Thor is so badass that he doesn't need human sacrifices like Odin did. He just kicks ass and takes names all on his own without needing the dead souls of warriors to do it with him.

7. Thor totally pulled a Mulan. One of the stories I just read involved some giant stealing his hammer, so Loki struck a deal that he'd marry Freyja off to this giant for the hammer back. Thor dressed in Freyja drag, and totally went to marry the giant, but stole his hammer back and proceeded to open a big can of whoopass all on the giant and any other giants he saw in the vicinity. Bitchin.

6. Why lie? The 2011 movie looks like it'll be pretty damn cool. And the guy who plays Thor has the same birthday as me.

5. For all his kickassness, Thor isn't just a blood-thirsty warrior. He's a god of the peasants too, so he's associated with blessings, hearth, marriages, justice, etc. He's all around awesome.

4. Again, for all his badassness, guess what his chariot is driven by? GOATS. Cute, fluffy scruffy goats like the ones your kids feed at the zoo and you sit there laughing and videotaping while the goats harmlessly chase and terrorize them. Hahahah, how cute, right? (Thanks, Grandma.) You'd think that. But these aren't just any goats... their names are Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjostr, which are Norwegian for 'Teethsnarler' and 'Teethgrinder.' Awesome. And Thor eats them every night and brings them back (nevermind that they were made lame by some kid who broke one's leg bone or something one night while eating it to get at the marrow. just ignore that part.) Goats. Driving the chariot of the craziest, most powerful freakin god in mythology ever. It's almost as though Thor is lookin at you getting ready to say, "Yeah go ahead and make fun of my goats. Do it. I will totally stomp your balls with lightning and then we'll see who's laughing."

3. Thor isn't allowed to cross Bifrost because all the other gods are afraid that he's so badass with his usage of heat and lightning and stuff, the bridge would just crumble. I'd like to see Chuck Norris have that on his resume!

2. He has his own day of the week! Thursday... Thor's Day (Thunor's Day?)... seriously, if you don't believe me, look at Wikipedia.

1. Look, I just always wanted one of those Viking helmets, okay? Is that so wrong?!?!

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Jenni and Heather are two sisters who live in completely different places, and do completely different things with their lives.