29 October 2010

Growing in Love

Halloween seems to be the week for parties! I've been invited to all kinds of events this weekend. Unfortunately I don't have a costume because I am a creativity fail. But I can still eat candy! At that, I am not a fail.

One of the events was a barbeque for my research group on Wednesday. Although the grill was shut down by the fire marshal (eek!) it was fun and I spent most of my time hanging out with my fellow grad students. I did talk a bit with this undergrad that my co-advisor Vassilis introduced me too. He's new at UCLA and new to our group as well, so Vassilis probably wanted me to talk to him and make sure he felt welcome.

So I was describing the evening to my best friend on the phone afterwards, and after I mention my talk with this guy she sort of paused, and then said:

"I just think it's really impressive how you don't even like, look at other guys, or wonder for a split second what it would be like to be with someone else. It's like you don't even have to make a choice--Jay's it for you."

I was taken aback at this (just because it kind of came out of no where). My response was that well, of course. It would be like considering someone else for my best friend! A person's best friend has been with them through all sorts of fun and drama, the big excitements and the devastating tears. To me, it's like that: why would you even want to consider someone else? Since then I've been thinking about it a little more.

When I was single, I would hang out with guys and I would think, "Hmm, he's smart and funny, I kinda like him." In college I would tell my sisters and my best friend about mini-crushes that I had and we would debate the pros and cons of that person. But it's true that, now, I no longer have those thoughts. I don't wonder about whether some rando and I would be more compatible, or what it would be like to date them. It's not that I don't force myself not to, it just literally doesn't happen--and the only reason I'm even thinking about this in the first place is that Nicole brought it up.

Yes, Jay and I are very serious, but it goes beyond that ... I don't need to look any further. I've found the best, for me. I really don't like the term soul mate, because it seems to imply that there is only one person for you, which I don't believe, or even worse, that you are not complete without them. I am my own person without Jay, and if I ever have to live life on my own I will still be 'complete'.

With that said, for who I am now and what I want to be, Jay is the one I want to share my life with. He completes me, he is better where I am weak and vice versa. We share dreams and goals. We respect and support each other. We have three years of shared experiences and helping each other through tough times. Why would I want anyone else in the face of that? Why would I even think that?

The below video, although funny, makes the point somewhere in the middle that "love
is nothing to do with destined perfection, the connection is strengthened, the affection simply grows over time....
And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama of shared experience and synergy and symbiotic empathy or ... something."

I think that really says it all. How could someone different offer me that same shared experience, the support of being there? As soon as if I'd ever wondered what it would be like to have a different best friend or a different mother. It's not even a thought.

You don't fall in love with someone--you grow in love. Together.

1 comment:

  1. You're so full of it. I never heard anything about any crushes.

    IN FACT, I had to TALK you into liking Jay over the phone from like 2947692476 miles away when you were in CA and I was in MD :P

    I kind of agree with you. I mean, I'm sort of at a place where I can recognize that another man is attractive but not want to be with him because I've got someone way better (sort of like how I can appreciate that another woman is attractive but not want to look like her, because it's not me.) But I do think it's healthy to flirt. Just a bit. Not like heavy flirting, but just to remind yourself that in comparing him to other men, he always comes out on top. Or maybe I just like to make men think they'll have a chance and then crush their souls and be like "Taken! Sorry boys!" and boost Tim's ego in the process cause he has what other people want and can't have :P

    I have a theory about soulmates btw. I'll have to tell you about it sometime (maybe in a blog post??) cause it fits in with my theory of reincarnation too. But the point Tim Minchin is also saying is that if you'd never met him, there would have been someone else eventually who would have shared experiences with you, etc.

    Anyway. Regardless of all this soulmates don't exist crap, I still love this quote:

    "The minute I heard my first love story
    I started looking for you
    Not knowing
    How blind that was

    Lovers don't finally meet somewhere
    They're in each other all along"


We rock.

Jenni and Heather are two sisters who live in completely different places, and do completely different things with their lives.